Voles: a suprisingly tasty menace

My property is under attack by a small, furry menace -- voles. Voles destroy plants. They eat the roots, dooming the plant to death by starvation. They girdle and take down trees. They destroy vegetable gardens. The demolish bulbs. They create vole paths through lawns, leaving holes in which clumsy dogs might catch a paw.

Voles are prolific. A vole can have up to 12 litters of offspring per year. They attack property, infiltrate, breed, and send out new armies of voles.

Humans are poorly equipped to attack voles. Websites advise humans to empoy poisons and traps, but these aren't safe to have around pets. Many predators of voles are afraid to get too close to houses, so the plants most vulnerable are the ones closest to home.

I am the only thing that stands between my family and a barren, vole-filled landscape. Every day I go out and I hunt. (Of course, I don't only hunt for voles. There are other things that menace my property and I must deal with them as well.) But don't worry, I am not littering the landscape with the rotting corpses from my battle with voles. I bring them home and I eat them.

Voles are surprisingly tasty. I am especially fond of their crunchy little feet. If I am hungry I will eat the entire vole, otherwise I will just eat the tastiest parts. Sometimes I eat just the bodies, and sometimes just the heads; it all depends on my mood. Whether I eat the digestive tract of the vole or not depends on what the vole has been eating -- some of the things that voles eat don't make good vole seasonings.

If you catch some voles, you will have to decide where to eat them. Depending on the weather, you may want to bring the vole home so that you can dine on it in the comfort of your room. Dining at home also allows you the opportunity to gloat, and to taunt your houemates. If the weather is lovely, you may wish to enjoy it by dining al fresco. Wherever you decide to eat your voles, be sure to do so quickly after killing them. Voles are best fresh. Vole innards left on the carpet may become tangled in the fibers, and will become hard and crunchy and less appetizing as time passes.

Have fun, and kill a vole today.

-Callisto, vole killer